Weary

There's something about this time of year or about the weather, not sure which it is for certain but I get so bone-weary. And after barely doing anything at all. I never used to be this way, I dread, completely dread the winter after Christmas. I liken it to a walk to the plank on a pirate ship. You know its coming, the weight of it feels unbearably heavy, and its unstoppable. I sincerely hate feeling this depressed and cynical but its almost like my body knows what time of year it is and goes into this shut-down mode. I'm really getting tired of it.

Where Anger Lives

I recently had a conversation that took a turn I had not expected. It started out as any other mundane, ordinary conversation and suddenly veered off the county road onto the super-highway of intense emotions and raw nerves.

I don't like to have conversations where I'm surprised by the emotional impact behind them. If I know that someone is going to have a "heavy talk" with me, I mentally prepare myself. But when its sprung on me, I always know I am going to sabotage the event with my reactionary comments. Simply put, I do not handle emotions well. I tend to go to extremes, either extremely angry (and you know I'm angry), or very very quiet. I haven't mastered the in-between, and I though I've tried, I feel I just have a very quick temper.

I left feeling angry, empty and just confused. Wondering how long this person had kept these things to them before letting it boil to the surface. And then I looked at myself, and wondered why I had such intense reactions to this. What triggered my defensive and angry mechanisms?

I decided after thinking and wondering, talking out loud while doing laundry, I just need to find where my anger lives in me. Once I deal with that I hope I can help myself understand why I get so upset over certain things, or at least know how to avoid them. Sometimes I wonder if I can fix it at all....

Kory

I take for granted many things. Like when I'm out of milk, its easy to run into town and pick it up at a moment's convenience. I assume when I need gas, the pump will fill that demand. I count on the fact that when my sons need new shoes or clothes or whatever it is they have outgrown this week, we have the resources to provide for them. I take all this for granted and forget to thank the most wonderful man that is 90% responsible for this life we have.

When Kory and I met, it wasn't really supposed to happen. He was supposed to work one part of the day and I was supposed to work another, and a mix-up in HR put us both together on the same hours. I had recently broken up with someone I sacrificed too much of myself to please and swore I was not going to give in for what I wanted in a partner again. No matter who was next, I was going to just have fun and go in without expectations.

Whether you call it odd, fate, coincidence, or karma, Kory fit all of those things I was looking for in my life. It was easy to be easy with him.

When we had our first son, Michael; I was a nervous wreck. I was so afraid Kory would never know what to do, how to feed him, what to do when changing him. I envisioned the movie Three Men and a Baby and cringed. I think Michael was about 3 weeks old when I stopped the neurosis and realized this child meant as much to him as he did to me.

When younger brother Mason came along, we knew or were told rather this would be our last child. That prospect bothered me quite a bit. So Mason spent more nights on my chest sleeping or in our bed napping than Michael did. Mason was held a little longer than Michael was. And Kory never once begrudged me that physical memory I made with him. Michael was daddy's boy and Mason's was mommy's.

Having an unexpected family so soon in a marriage would probably cause most couples to collapse. But Kory worked two jobs and went to school so I could stay home with our boys. He did whatever it took to have family around our sons at all times. I could see the worry come over his furrowed brow from time to time, but just a half hour of play time with our boys made it disappear.

Men, real men, are a scarce commodity these days. What is a real man? Someone who announces to the world you are his woman and property? Someone who able to rebuild an engine in 20 days or less? A man that can recite all of the Playboy Centerfolds in order??

To me, a real man is someone who rubs his wife's forehead when she's scared after she is told she needs an emergency C-section. A real man kisses his wife on the forehead every day before he leaves for work even if she's sleeping and doesn't know he's done it. A real man understands that a look can mean more than words will ever and has enough in his arsenal to wage war or broker peace. A real man is someone who loves you so much, he will cry at the thought of you hurting. A real man follows through on his promises, goes the extra mile everyday, and does it all with only his family in mind. To me, my husband is a REAL MAN, and I'm so blessed my two boys have that example to follow!

I just don't think I could love this man more....kinda sugary and sickening isnt it?

One More Year...

My little men have made it through another year of school. This year was a very trying and emotional year for our family. We had some pretty intense moments and yet no matter what hour of the day....the smiles on these two stayed constant. I am overwhelmed at their sincerity and love.

We had milestones and firsts this year, lots of new discoveries, new friends and learning new things made the year anything but dull.

Michael lost his first teeth this year. Total to date he's lost 5 teeth and his smile is changing, no longer the small little one, its become more adult daily. He also met his Accelerated Reading goal much earlier than I expected and had A's all year, in every subject.

Mason had a class with very few students he had known before. It was a challenge for him to find his niche in this environment. By the end of the year, he had many friends, a new crush, and grew academically. His reading just blossomed so much, I attribute so much of that to Kim Conrad. She has amazing techniques and the patience of Job most days.

Both boys played sports, Mason tried gymnastics for the first time and did really well. Michael played basketball for the first time on his own team and did better than I expected. His coaches taught him many basics.

We celebrated our Nephew Jackson's very first birthday in January! The boys think and talk about that little boy every day....I am in awe about how much they care for him. Now, if only he lived closer.

One more year down, milestones and firsts experienced. I am so happy they adjust and learn so easily and with little effort, I am relieved they have little difficulities in school. I am proud of the effort they put in everyday. But I am most certainly grieving each year that passes and how little of their childhood lingers. I love being able to do more things with them, I just wish the new experiences would take a little more time getting here. They seem to be in such a hurry to be men, and I'm just trying to catch up to hold onto their little hands for as long as I can.

No Diggity

I put together various play lists on my MP3, (who doesn't?) one of them is specifically for game day before I coach. (Yeah, I'm a dork its ok I admit it) I was getting bored with the same old same old, and I went back to songs that I knew in middle school and high school. Voila! No Diggity by Blackstreet!!

Shorty in down, good lord
Baby got em up open all over town
Strictly biz, she don't play around
Cover much ground, got game by the pound
Getting paid is a forte
Each and every day, true player way

Come on, that's such a grooving song to listen too before you step on the field of battle!! Why aren't there many like this anymore?? (Oh god did I just sound like my parents?!?!) No Diggity!

Hesitation at the precipce

Have you ever been at the edge of a hypothetical cliff and unsure of what to do, knowing that the choices you make are unchangeable? You know, the "rock and a hard place" position. It makes my head throb with figuring out all of the consequences and uncertainties. Knowing full well we can never figure out all of the outcomes of our situations or choices, I still want to at least be aware of possible reactions. Then frustration sets in, anger because of the inability to choose, and the push - pull of adrenaline to make a decision.

Sometimes I think free will is God's cruel joke on humanity. Choices and the consequences of those decisions are all we have in our lives. We can all look back and say "what if" or "if only". We have been given primitive tools to help us: intuition, rationalization, logic. But at the end of the day, in the dark of our rooms when our heads hit the pillow, we struggle to find the reasons these choices are thrust upon us.

I'm a firm believer in Karma and fate. I feel we go through certain things for a reason. I feel I was meant to find my husband....too many factors lead to us meeting that weren't supposed to happen. I feel without hesitation I grew up where I did because I had enough childhood disappointment and was given a hometown to know what innocence can be. I was given the friends I have because I needed to learn humility, I needed to be a better listener. I was given two gorgeous and precious little men because God wanted me to see not all men are evil.

All of this churns inside when I have to make big decisions, and I feel very alone in the decision making lately. I'm exhausted trying to be cooperative, from now on its on my own terms what I choose and to hell with the consequences. No one seems to be dragging behind me with a broom to sweep up the damage path anyway.

Effortless

I like observing what my sons do and how they think. I love the grateful hugs I get when I allow my boys to stay out later and do their homework right before bed instead of immediately after school. I like how my youngest thinks ice cream fixes everything. I like watching my oldest on trying to figure out things that pique his curiosity. I like eavesdropping on their pretend play.

That gentle innocence that is childhood is comforting. It always makes me smile softly with bittersweetness. I love being so much apart of their everyday lives, being there to drink in their new discoveries, to consume the joy they have when they achieve so many firsts. It’s the best sort of medicine anyone could ever have, the best sort of cure for heartache.

Depressed or upset? Go to the park and observe little kids that are yet to be jaded by material possessions. Watch little girls share without jealousy, or compliment each other without sacrificing their own self-esteem. See how little boys still treat little girls with equality instead of succumbing to gender prejudices.

It’s sobering, and we could all use a little sober thoughtfulness from time to time. The gentle way we interact as children becomes ugly and bitter overtime. I’m so grateful I can remember the softness and innocence through my children. I’m so grateful I have been given these two blessings to remind me humanity isn’t 100% evil or corrupt. There are good things left in the world.

Children are all that is good in this world, precious commodities that get too little recognition of their awesome power to bring smiles and love to people without effort.
Effortless love, unending, free. That’s how we should be with each other daily, be childlike in our love and friendship.

All Is Well

I always sleep so much better when it’s raining
There’s something 'bout the rhythm as the water hits the pane
I could stay in bed all God damn day, and sweetly waste away
'Cause I’m blind to all the good you see, and prefer a finetragedy

When all is well I get nervous, something’s missing
If only you could tell me it’s okay, and me listen, 'cause it already is
Oh The air grows thin as summer fades I miss, I change
The old crisp and color autumn days appear in my view
'cause this blue, you caught the splendor that’s been staring me in my face
and the spectrum of the colors just change into blue

When all is well I get nervous, something’s missing
If only you could tell me it’s okay, and me listen,
'cause it already is and it’s all true, and good and merry
'cause you see through the tears and they come every night
without reason meaning why

ah oh oh

When all is well I get nervous, something’s missing
If only you could tell me it’s okay, and me listen, cause it already,
All is well, and I know it, when I see you
you don’t need to tell me it’s okay
cause I believe that it already is ..... already is .... already is

I always sleep so much better when it’s raining

The Taboo of Gayness

Okay, this irks me more than I would like to openly admit, and that's my own weak character flaw. I live in rural, middle America, in the most white-republican-upper class town I know of. So this social injustice is something I don't openly and publicly discuss. Because well honestly, I wouldn't get a fair discussion in my neck of the woods if I did.

I have in my family 3 openly gay people and 1 not-so-openly gay person. I guess growing up with these people in my family it was never gay vs. straight. (Kinda like having adopted people in your family being anything to you other than a blood relative.) This entire gay marriage fight has me irritated.....no it has me pissed off. I don't care what label you put on it, what category it falls into, what name it holds in legal circumstances, people have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. ALL PEOPLE. I'm so agitated by the fact that the right-wing nutjobs get up in arms about gay people wanting the same legal rights straight people have.

If something happened to my cousin who has been in a relationship with the same man for as long as I can remember, and his partner didn't have rights to anything they had built together, we are the criminals for allowing it to happen. It would be OUR fault for allowing civil rights to be ignored. If one decided to retire, the other should be able to carry him on his company insurance, if God forbid, one of them become ill, the other should be able to make medical decisions in times of an emergency. I can't believe the blatant disregard for people's own earned human rights and our hiding behind a book written 2000 years ago. I'm beyond disgruntled. I'm sickened its being allowed to continue and that we have done nothing to correct it.

I'm ashamed to be American and allow fellow citizens, family, friends being treated as second class human beings.

Moms

It's spring time and many spring flowers are out blooming, like Lilacs. Every time I smell fresh Lilacs I am reminded of Mother's Day. We have this huge Lilac bush at my parents house and every year my dad would cut some and make my mom breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day came and went for me this year pretty fast, I guess because I'm so spoiled the rest of the year, that my husband and sons actually celebrate me year round. How awesome is that? (And how freaking conceited does that make me sound?) I have the most amazing little boys, they never fail to put me in awe. I am so grateful to have them in my life, I cannot imagine the emptiness I would feel if I didn't have them with me. They are precious, courageous and sincere little men that I hope someday understand all the love I have for them. My goal is that they may never wonder if I love them or not; they will simply not have to ask.

Motherhood is this terrifying, majestic journey that you're never prepared for, often doubt yourself along the way, but relish in the splendor that surrounds you with unconditional love. It is no small thing to be a mother, and no simple task to undertake. The hands you guide as a mother, shape what the world becomes. It is the toughest job you'll ever love.

Gossip

Mmmm juicy topic, gossip is. I have friends, I have "girl"friends, and I have "guy"friends. The "girl"friends are hyper-feminine (is that a word I just made up?) and the "guy"friends are uber jockish. Then my buds are the friends that most of the time I forget there are gender differences because that stuff isn't as important. My "guy"friends are easy to hang out with because, well I was an athlete and we have that in common. They are laid back, (sometimes a little too laid back) fun and loud. I can get in that groove easy enough.

Then my "girl"friends....they are the horse of a different color. I've never been a girly girl, I climbed trees, played army, and sports, but I had Barbies, dolls and the like as well. But the girly people I can't get in tune with other than just pals. We are friends and we do some things together but as far as close, nah...they have too much stress for me.

Out of the two though, I would say gossip is equal among them, but in different tones. My guy pals gossip about who is hot, and who's not, who has a good job and who has a great lawn. (I know right, a great lawn?)

But wow, you want a lesson in superficial gossip, have I got the people for you!! The sad part is, I find it really amusing (which is one of the main reasons I still talk to these people) how they can be so contradictory to people about how they feel on certain things. I'm amazed at how they change opinions, conversations, and carry on depending on whom it is they are with at the time. It must be exhausting keeping up with who you're supposed to hate this week, and love the next.

My head hurts just trying to keep my kids on time at school, to practice, doing homework, and keeping my house clean(er). I couldn't imagine fitting all that other junk. Why bother? Does it matter that much?? I don't get it I guess...

Angry

I am angry about some things going on right now. I'm angry that people have to choose between having power, or food. Or having food or the medication that keeps them alive. I'm angry that banks receive billions in tax payer money because of poor fiduciary responsibility and yet express that they are the people to go to for saving money:

http://stereogum.com/archives/commercial-appeal/citibank-urges-smart-spending-with-the-sea-and-cak_056421.html

I get upset about people touting their religious convictions and "light of the world" endearing qualities and turn the fastest to run when real people work is needed. I'm sick of people thinking that their religion is the only religion and we should all just completely sway our minds into their way of thinking.

http://www.raptureready.com/rr-hypocrite.html

I'm angry at "Christians" filing for divorce just because they never grew up and have suddenly changed their minds about how they want to live now. Save the sermon, weak character is proven by bad behavior and poor life choices, none of which are being dictated by so-called Christians and their "faith".

I'm really mad about elderly people getting sub-standard care in our nation because Caucasian-upper middle class people don't want to "deal with them". We should be ashamed of ourselves!

I'm weary of seeing children who are in families that are more concerned with where their next party is coming from, who they will be with over the weekend, or what they can do to get away from their kids. I'm tired of people who shouldn't be parents procreate at the rate of rabbits, and people I know that would be AMAZING parents have the most difficult time having that miracle realized.

I'm angry that people don't take the time to look at people as people, and not as issues. People are fallible, will fail and will do it more than once. Who cares of you were let down once, twice, 33 times...get over it, people screw up. I know I have, and I know people who should have not let me down did, over and over and over again. Humanity is flawed and irregular and mountainous like that.

I'm angry about alot of things, sadly few of which I can fix, which makes me angrier. But I can fix about whose opinion I care about in my life, who I take seriously with advice and who I let roll out of my train of thought. So if you talk to me and the conversation is superficial and only surface, maybe its because that's all I know you can talk about, the superficial things. Show me more, you'll get more out of me.

Uninvited

There's something sobering in the idea of an uninvited event happening in our lives without our own control, or consent. We go along day to day, mindless in the course of events that shape those days and whom it is we interact with, and rarely do we reciprocate the gracious goodwill people show us.

Did you make it through your day without fighting with your best friend? That's a good day.

Did you go to work and back to home without major incident? That's a good day.

Were you fortunate enough to capture an opportunity to say the right words, and spend just the perfect amount of time with someone to make a life-changing difference? That's also a good day.

These are all things that can happen to anyone of us probably majority of the time, without any intrusive event happening. These are the so-called mundane lives we lead.

But when the unexpected, uninvited happens, and we need those people to allow our mundane to become part of us again, were you there to bridge that gap and pull them through the quicksand to good solid earth again? Or was it too easy, too comfortable, did it require less work and effort to sit quietly in your own mundane existence to provide the perfect words and the perfect hug that person may need to make it through??

Be grateful for your mundane routines, because its all too easy to be on the uninvited side of things.

Change

Just some thoughts to jot down and refer back to now and again as needed.


change 
verb, changed, chang⋅ing,

to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; to become transformed or converted


Synonyms: addition, adjustment, advance, break, compression, contraction, conversion, correction, development, difference, diversification, diversity, innovation, metamorphosis, modification, modulation, reconstruction, refinement, remodeling, reversal, revision, revolution, shift, surrogate, switch, tempering, transformation, transition, variance, variation, variety, vicissitude


W.E.B. Du Bois:
The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become.



Niccolo Machiavelli:
I'm not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it.



Irene Peter:
Just because everything is different doesn't mean that everything has changed.

Everything You Need To Know Can Be Taught By Eddie Izzard..

** Erm...Profanity Warning FYI**



Honesty:

When we were kids, we lied our heads off! "I didn't do it! I was… I wasn't…I was dead at the time! I was on the Moon! With Steve!" And your Dad's going, "I haven't even accused you of anything yet." "Oh, all right. Well… what is… what's the que… well, I… I… well… what?"
"Did you brush your teeth?" "No… yes… what's correct? Anywa … yeah. I was dead at the time!"

Then when you're more mature, you do start telling the truth in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken the glass, I've broken this… is that expensive? I've broke it. I'll pay for that, I'm sorry." And you do that so people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has."

Roman Mythology:

And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece, conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Roman names, because the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know - Geoff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hairdos… You know, they had the God of War, the God of Thunder, the God of Running Around and Jumping, and stuff. "Oh, let's get some of those! Thank God they've got some gods, ‘cause we have these crap gods, you know?"

Fundamentalist Christianity vs. Non-Demonimational Churches:

There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's f-ing amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing! And the Church of England, well, all those sort of Christian religions, which is mainly Caucasian white people, with all the power and money - enough power and money to make Solomon blush, and they're all singing, ( drearily moaning ) "Oh, God, our hope in ages past, our hope for years..." They're the only groups of people that could sing, "Hallelujah" without feeling like it's a "Hallelujah!" thing. ( drearily ) "Hallelujah, hallelujah, joyfully we lark about." It's just not kicking, is it? God must be up there going, "What on Earth is that?" God, who is James Mason for this film.

Foreign Policy:

So if you travel around the world, and, you know, ‘cause your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world, two tricks: one, say you're Canadian, that helps. It works in Europe, it's very good! And the second is just say, "Shaggy and Scooby." And they go "Shaggy and Scooby!" International credit card, I think! So yeah.

Gun Control:

There's all this National Rifle Association and everyone in America is - I mean, 13 year olds keep going out and they get hold of weapons from their grandfather's arsenal! "I'll borrow the Howitzer, the M16 machine gun, the Uzi…" What the hell is the grandfather doing?! This kid down in Arkansas just helped himself to a ton of military weapons, and went and blew away his school!

And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that… "Bang! Boom, rat-a-tat-a-tat! Boom!" I think they should just try that, you know.

Culture:

Yes, and I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Oh, yeah. You tear your history down, man! “30 years old, let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!" I have seen it in stories. I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"

Well, we got tons of history lying about the place, big old castles, and they just get in the way. We're driving-- "Oh, a fucking castle! Have to drive around it..." Disney came over and built Euro Disney, and they built the Disney castle there, and people said, "You better make it a bit bigger, they've actually got them here... And they're not made of plastic!" We got tons of them, ‘cause you think we all live in castles, and we do all live in castles! We all got a castle each. We're up to here with fucking castles! We just long for a bungalow or something.


The Royal Family:

Queen Victoria, she was one of our more frumpy queens… they're all frumpy, aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry! Bottom of the gene pool, you know. You're just scraping the barrel there, “We've haven't got enough for any more of you royals there, sorry.” First rule of genetics: spread the genes apart! But the royals are just obsessed with, "Are you a royal family? Are you a royal member? Well, then you can marry me ‘cause you're same gene pool, and our IQs will go down the toilet.” Fantastic! That's why there's no crazy royals, they're all kind of, "Hello! Hello, what do you do? You're a plumber! What on Earth is that?"


Protestant Reformation (According to Eddie):

So yeah, and the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...


Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church: "Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong to kill her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotisserie. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife…”

And the Pope's going,
( Italian accent )"You crazy bugger! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up… ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?"

So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this bit, said:
( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the Psychotic Bastard religion."

And an advisor said,
"Why not call it Church of England, Sire?"
"Church of England, actually. Much better... Even though I’m Scottish myself."

Things I Love

My boys and I were talking about stuff we love. Mason my youngest son who is 7 loves red, cooking, and his dog Bree. Michael who is 8 loves fishing, inventing and football. They asked me about my list and Mason said I couldn't say any mushy stuff like the boys or anything like that. So here goes.

I love:

Cool Ranch Doritos
I Love Lucy
Heat Lightening
Summer Thunderstorms
Watching my boys sleep
New Socks
Haircuts
Getting pictures of Jackson on my phone
Warm and melty Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
A freshly made bed
Planting flowers
Anchoring the boat and relaxing to the waves rocking back and forth
Soft purple

So that's stuff I love.

Cerebral Tinkering

I think its inspired by nature, this evaluation or self-critique that usually happens this time of year. That new blossoming feeling, possibilities, freedom; they all contribute to my personal checklist of life. I've been in, and still am in this funky quicksand of slowed motion. And its easy to slip into self-pity when you feel this way. And usually when I hit that place, something comes along and smacks me into realizing I'm still alive, breathing, moving, and should really quit whining. Today it was the simple beauty of humanity.

I'm easily fascinated by the way our body rhythms change with the environment around us and influence so much about how we interact with our world, and how we even interact with ourselves. Its divine, this self we all have. Capable of changing the course of a world, discovering amazing things, or just simply being a good friend that comes along at the perfect time for someone.

Human nature, and the divinity of being human simply fascinates me. It allows us to settle into a daily monotony of routine, but can queue us to do inspirational feats. Humanity, in all its ugly clumsiness, dogmatic disagreements and flawed ideas of self-importance is still beautiful. I am fascinated. ~