Have you ever been at the edge of a hypothetical cliff and unsure of what to do, knowing that the choices you make are unchangeable? You know, the "rock and a hard place" position. It makes my head throb with figuring out all of the consequences and uncertainties. Knowing full well we can never figure out all of the outcomes of our situations or choices, I still want to at least be aware of possible reactions. Then frustration sets in, anger because of the inability to choose, and the push - pull of adrenaline to make a decision.
Sometimes I think free will is God's cruel joke on humanity. Choices and the consequences of those decisions are all we have in our lives. We can all look back and say "what if" or "if only". We have been given primitive tools to help us: intuition, rationalization, logic. But at the end of the day, in the dark of our rooms when our heads hit the pillow, we struggle to find the reasons these choices are thrust upon us.
I'm a firm believer in Karma and fate. I feel we go through certain things for a reason. I feel I was meant to find my husband....too many factors lead to us meeting that weren't supposed to happen. I feel without hesitation I grew up where I did because I had enough childhood disappointment and was given a hometown to know what innocence can be. I was given the friends I have because I needed to learn humility, I needed to be a better listener. I was given two gorgeous and precious little men because God wanted me to see not all men are evil.
All of this churns inside when I have to make big decisions, and I feel very alone in the decision making lately. I'm exhausted trying to be cooperative, from now on its on my own terms what I choose and to hell with the consequences. No one seems to be dragging behind me with a broom to sweep up the damage path anyway.
16 years ago
