Weary

There's something about this time of year or about the weather, not sure which it is for certain but I get so bone-weary. And after barely doing anything at all. I never used to be this way, I dread, completely dread the winter after Christmas. I liken it to a walk to the plank on a pirate ship. You know its coming, the weight of it feels unbearably heavy, and its unstoppable. I sincerely hate feeling this depressed and cynical but its almost like my body knows what time of year it is and goes into this shut-down mode. I'm really getting tired of it.

Where Anger Lives

I recently had a conversation that took a turn I had not expected. It started out as any other mundane, ordinary conversation and suddenly veered off the county road onto the super-highway of intense emotions and raw nerves.

I don't like to have conversations where I'm surprised by the emotional impact behind them. If I know that someone is going to have a "heavy talk" with me, I mentally prepare myself. But when its sprung on me, I always know I am going to sabotage the event with my reactionary comments. Simply put, I do not handle emotions well. I tend to go to extremes, either extremely angry (and you know I'm angry), or very very quiet. I haven't mastered the in-between, and I though I've tried, I feel I just have a very quick temper.

I left feeling angry, empty and just confused. Wondering how long this person had kept these things to them before letting it boil to the surface. And then I looked at myself, and wondered why I had such intense reactions to this. What triggered my defensive and angry mechanisms?

I decided after thinking and wondering, talking out loud while doing laundry, I just need to find where my anger lives in me. Once I deal with that I hope I can help myself understand why I get so upset over certain things, or at least know how to avoid them. Sometimes I wonder if I can fix it at all....