Hesitation at the precipce

Have you ever been at the edge of a hypothetical cliff and unsure of what to do, knowing that the choices you make are unchangeable? You know, the "rock and a hard place" position. It makes my head throb with figuring out all of the consequences and uncertainties. Knowing full well we can never figure out all of the outcomes of our situations or choices, I still want to at least be aware of possible reactions. Then frustration sets in, anger because of the inability to choose, and the push - pull of adrenaline to make a decision.

Sometimes I think free will is God's cruel joke on humanity. Choices and the consequences of those decisions are all we have in our lives. We can all look back and say "what if" or "if only". We have been given primitive tools to help us: intuition, rationalization, logic. But at the end of the day, in the dark of our rooms when our heads hit the pillow, we struggle to find the reasons these choices are thrust upon us.

I'm a firm believer in Karma and fate. I feel we go through certain things for a reason. I feel I was meant to find my husband....too many factors lead to us meeting that weren't supposed to happen. I feel without hesitation I grew up where I did because I had enough childhood disappointment and was given a hometown to know what innocence can be. I was given the friends I have because I needed to learn humility, I needed to be a better listener. I was given two gorgeous and precious little men because God wanted me to see not all men are evil.

All of this churns inside when I have to make big decisions, and I feel very alone in the decision making lately. I'm exhausted trying to be cooperative, from now on its on my own terms what I choose and to hell with the consequences. No one seems to be dragging behind me with a broom to sweep up the damage path anyway.

Effortless

I like observing what my sons do and how they think. I love the grateful hugs I get when I allow my boys to stay out later and do their homework right before bed instead of immediately after school. I like how my youngest thinks ice cream fixes everything. I like watching my oldest on trying to figure out things that pique his curiosity. I like eavesdropping on their pretend play.

That gentle innocence that is childhood is comforting. It always makes me smile softly with bittersweetness. I love being so much apart of their everyday lives, being there to drink in their new discoveries, to consume the joy they have when they achieve so many firsts. It’s the best sort of medicine anyone could ever have, the best sort of cure for heartache.

Depressed or upset? Go to the park and observe little kids that are yet to be jaded by material possessions. Watch little girls share without jealousy, or compliment each other without sacrificing their own self-esteem. See how little boys still treat little girls with equality instead of succumbing to gender prejudices.

It’s sobering, and we could all use a little sober thoughtfulness from time to time. The gentle way we interact as children becomes ugly and bitter overtime. I’m so grateful I can remember the softness and innocence through my children. I’m so grateful I have been given these two blessings to remind me humanity isn’t 100% evil or corrupt. There are good things left in the world.

Children are all that is good in this world, precious commodities that get too little recognition of their awesome power to bring smiles and love to people without effort.
Effortless love, unending, free. That’s how we should be with each other daily, be childlike in our love and friendship.

All Is Well

I always sleep so much better when it’s raining
There’s something 'bout the rhythm as the water hits the pane
I could stay in bed all God damn day, and sweetly waste away
'Cause I’m blind to all the good you see, and prefer a finetragedy

When all is well I get nervous, something’s missing
If only you could tell me it’s okay, and me listen, 'cause it already is
Oh The air grows thin as summer fades I miss, I change
The old crisp and color autumn days appear in my view
'cause this blue, you caught the splendor that’s been staring me in my face
and the spectrum of the colors just change into blue

When all is well I get nervous, something’s missing
If only you could tell me it’s okay, and me listen,
'cause it already is and it’s all true, and good and merry
'cause you see through the tears and they come every night
without reason meaning why

ah oh oh

When all is well I get nervous, something’s missing
If only you could tell me it’s okay, and me listen, cause it already,
All is well, and I know it, when I see you
you don’t need to tell me it’s okay
cause I believe that it already is ..... already is .... already is

I always sleep so much better when it’s raining

The Taboo of Gayness

Okay, this irks me more than I would like to openly admit, and that's my own weak character flaw. I live in rural, middle America, in the most white-republican-upper class town I know of. So this social injustice is something I don't openly and publicly discuss. Because well honestly, I wouldn't get a fair discussion in my neck of the woods if I did.

I have in my family 3 openly gay people and 1 not-so-openly gay person. I guess growing up with these people in my family it was never gay vs. straight. (Kinda like having adopted people in your family being anything to you other than a blood relative.) This entire gay marriage fight has me irritated.....no it has me pissed off. I don't care what label you put on it, what category it falls into, what name it holds in legal circumstances, people have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. ALL PEOPLE. I'm so agitated by the fact that the right-wing nutjobs get up in arms about gay people wanting the same legal rights straight people have.

If something happened to my cousin who has been in a relationship with the same man for as long as I can remember, and his partner didn't have rights to anything they had built together, we are the criminals for allowing it to happen. It would be OUR fault for allowing civil rights to be ignored. If one decided to retire, the other should be able to carry him on his company insurance, if God forbid, one of them become ill, the other should be able to make medical decisions in times of an emergency. I can't believe the blatant disregard for people's own earned human rights and our hiding behind a book written 2000 years ago. I'm beyond disgruntled. I'm sickened its being allowed to continue and that we have done nothing to correct it.

I'm ashamed to be American and allow fellow citizens, family, friends being treated as second class human beings.

Moms

It's spring time and many spring flowers are out blooming, like Lilacs. Every time I smell fresh Lilacs I am reminded of Mother's Day. We have this huge Lilac bush at my parents house and every year my dad would cut some and make my mom breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day came and went for me this year pretty fast, I guess because I'm so spoiled the rest of the year, that my husband and sons actually celebrate me year round. How awesome is that? (And how freaking conceited does that make me sound?) I have the most amazing little boys, they never fail to put me in awe. I am so grateful to have them in my life, I cannot imagine the emptiness I would feel if I didn't have them with me. They are precious, courageous and sincere little men that I hope someday understand all the love I have for them. My goal is that they may never wonder if I love them or not; they will simply not have to ask.

Motherhood is this terrifying, majestic journey that you're never prepared for, often doubt yourself along the way, but relish in the splendor that surrounds you with unconditional love. It is no small thing to be a mother, and no simple task to undertake. The hands you guide as a mother, shape what the world becomes. It is the toughest job you'll ever love.

Gossip

Mmmm juicy topic, gossip is. I have friends, I have "girl"friends, and I have "guy"friends. The "girl"friends are hyper-feminine (is that a word I just made up?) and the "guy"friends are uber jockish. Then my buds are the friends that most of the time I forget there are gender differences because that stuff isn't as important. My "guy"friends are easy to hang out with because, well I was an athlete and we have that in common. They are laid back, (sometimes a little too laid back) fun and loud. I can get in that groove easy enough.

Then my "girl"friends....they are the horse of a different color. I've never been a girly girl, I climbed trees, played army, and sports, but I had Barbies, dolls and the like as well. But the girly people I can't get in tune with other than just pals. We are friends and we do some things together but as far as close, nah...they have too much stress for me.

Out of the two though, I would say gossip is equal among them, but in different tones. My guy pals gossip about who is hot, and who's not, who has a good job and who has a great lawn. (I know right, a great lawn?)

But wow, you want a lesson in superficial gossip, have I got the people for you!! The sad part is, I find it really amusing (which is one of the main reasons I still talk to these people) how they can be so contradictory to people about how they feel on certain things. I'm amazed at how they change opinions, conversations, and carry on depending on whom it is they are with at the time. It must be exhausting keeping up with who you're supposed to hate this week, and love the next.

My head hurts just trying to keep my kids on time at school, to practice, doing homework, and keeping my house clean(er). I couldn't imagine fitting all that other junk. Why bother? Does it matter that much?? I don't get it I guess...

Angry

I am angry about some things going on right now. I'm angry that people have to choose between having power, or food. Or having food or the medication that keeps them alive. I'm angry that banks receive billions in tax payer money because of poor fiduciary responsibility and yet express that they are the people to go to for saving money:

http://stereogum.com/archives/commercial-appeal/citibank-urges-smart-spending-with-the-sea-and-cak_056421.html

I get upset about people touting their religious convictions and "light of the world" endearing qualities and turn the fastest to run when real people work is needed. I'm sick of people thinking that their religion is the only religion and we should all just completely sway our minds into their way of thinking.

http://www.raptureready.com/rr-hypocrite.html

I'm angry at "Christians" filing for divorce just because they never grew up and have suddenly changed their minds about how they want to live now. Save the sermon, weak character is proven by bad behavior and poor life choices, none of which are being dictated by so-called Christians and their "faith".

I'm really mad about elderly people getting sub-standard care in our nation because Caucasian-upper middle class people don't want to "deal with them". We should be ashamed of ourselves!

I'm weary of seeing children who are in families that are more concerned with where their next party is coming from, who they will be with over the weekend, or what they can do to get away from their kids. I'm tired of people who shouldn't be parents procreate at the rate of rabbits, and people I know that would be AMAZING parents have the most difficult time having that miracle realized.

I'm angry that people don't take the time to look at people as people, and not as issues. People are fallible, will fail and will do it more than once. Who cares of you were let down once, twice, 33 times...get over it, people screw up. I know I have, and I know people who should have not let me down did, over and over and over again. Humanity is flawed and irregular and mountainous like that.

I'm angry about alot of things, sadly few of which I can fix, which makes me angrier. But I can fix about whose opinion I care about in my life, who I take seriously with advice and who I let roll out of my train of thought. So if you talk to me and the conversation is superficial and only surface, maybe its because that's all I know you can talk about, the superficial things. Show me more, you'll get more out of me.

Uninvited

There's something sobering in the idea of an uninvited event happening in our lives without our own control, or consent. We go along day to day, mindless in the course of events that shape those days and whom it is we interact with, and rarely do we reciprocate the gracious goodwill people show us.

Did you make it through your day without fighting with your best friend? That's a good day.

Did you go to work and back to home without major incident? That's a good day.

Were you fortunate enough to capture an opportunity to say the right words, and spend just the perfect amount of time with someone to make a life-changing difference? That's also a good day.

These are all things that can happen to anyone of us probably majority of the time, without any intrusive event happening. These are the so-called mundane lives we lead.

But when the unexpected, uninvited happens, and we need those people to allow our mundane to become part of us again, were you there to bridge that gap and pull them through the quicksand to good solid earth again? Or was it too easy, too comfortable, did it require less work and effort to sit quietly in your own mundane existence to provide the perfect words and the perfect hug that person may need to make it through??

Be grateful for your mundane routines, because its all too easy to be on the uninvited side of things.